I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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