And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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