I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
