Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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