Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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