Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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