I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
