how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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