dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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