Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
