zippers are such a cool invention
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
