Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
