I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
