If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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