Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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