Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
