True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My liver just had a heart attack.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
