Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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