woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
