I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
