dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
