I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
