Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
