I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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