I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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