I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
