Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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