So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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