I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
