and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
