Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize