Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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