I was born with a shot glass in my hand
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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