The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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