I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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