I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
