Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
