You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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