last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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