My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize