She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
