I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
