ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
