Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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