There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
