I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
