I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize