Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
