So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
