What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
