My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize