even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
