It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
