did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
