Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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