hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
