Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
