How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
