Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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