You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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