I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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