hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
